If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
