i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
