got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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