my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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