woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
well most of my day revolves around power hour
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
