We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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