girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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