she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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