theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
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