i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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