Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
vagina is talking i cant
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
