Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
