Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
please come you make the beer taste better
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
