Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
