I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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