I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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