That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Let's get the cat blown out
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
