Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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