My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
