He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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