Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
