I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
