oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
