I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
