Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
