If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
