He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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