after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She needs sedatives and a leash
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
