the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
