He uses pillows to masturbate.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
