Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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