and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i out mim tonsoeep
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