sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
