She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
