you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
