george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
