im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
