My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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