I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
