I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
