I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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