my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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