and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
