you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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