a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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