Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
