and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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