i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
