someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
