I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So vagazzling was a success
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
